Ready or not, here I...they...come!
Memories of a Mother/Daughter Childhood
My most memorable memories during my childhood were with my best friends especially in the summer. We were an inseparable gang of loud troublemakers but that was the most fun part about having such close bonds with cousins, since we were all related by family. Many weekend-long visits were filled with adventures for us and despite the repetition of games, it never got boring.
Summers were always better when my cousins visited since it was more frequent when we were out of school. Every time we were all together, we always did two things (or at least tried to do). First, we played hide and seek. We would always play on the front porch because there were walls, corners, fences, and other small spaces we could all climb into and hide. I had a favorite spot that I could tuck myself into, which was in between the rail and a wall in the corner of the porch. It was easiest to duck and crawl under into the small passageway that was below.
I had a personal jungle on my front porch when I played this game. When the game began, it felt like everyone was holding their breath and stood frozen in place and were even afraid to blink. However, some of us (including me) would get impatient when we were found so we would end up directing the seeker. To help keep quiet it was almost always easier to play barefoot so that I would not make any noise if I were trying to run away. This worked out most of time until I had to walk across pebbles and twigs. Then, I wished I had not taken off my shoes.
Hide and seek was always fun to play because I got to run around in my make-believe jungle where I could climb, crawl, and hide in secret.
Her most memorable memories during her childhood were filled with loneliness and isolation. It was difficult to make friends since talking was only necessary for communicating survival. Therefore, she did not talk much with the other children. It was critical to her own survival that she stayed quiet and not cause trouble. This was what she learned growing up, and she never did question what was asked of her.
Every day was hide and seek for your survival, so it was tremendously difficult to have free time to play games for fun. Since she was always on the run, it was vital to stay as quiet as possible and move as much during the nighttime. If there were noises in the jungle, she needed to be quick to respond because even the slightest hesitation could make the most difference.
In some ways, she also learned to read her environment to stay alert. For example, she learned to feel wind patterns that would change when soldiers were near. When soldiers were near, it was always obvious by the smell of cigarettes. During one invasion, she remembers forcing herself into a chicken coop to hide from the soldiers. It was difficult to breathe and see outside because there were no windows, but she could smell the cigarettes off the soldiers circling the coop around her. It was a very distinct stench to her that she used to identify whether it was safe to come out of hiding or not. Many times when she would need to instantaneously separate from her mother to hide, she needed to become absolutely still and find a way to stay calm. There was only hope - a hope she held onto, that she would last through this episode and see her mother again that she held onto.
Hide and seek was a lived experience that had her fighting to make it through the next minute. It was a real war experience for her that was in every way a horrific memory.
These memories of hiding help illustrate the collective history of individuals who, like my mother, have historically lived through these similar experiences. The history of the Hmong is overwhelmed by memories of running and hiding. In some ways, the narratives of Hmong Americans have been tightly fused with horror stories of finding refuge in the jungle and moving like shadows throughout the night. As she puts it, “there was never a time where I was not packing up to leave. The soldiers were always coming after us.” She lived the real experience of a simple harmless game that I often played with my cousins without hesitation.